How can it still hurt so much? October 8th, 2018, is the 9 year anniversary of Kirby’s death. But I can still hear the news, feel the confusion, taste the outrage, sense the reality of loss in the pit of my stomach. The intensity never loses its grip. Kirby is dead, gone, forever beyond my physical grasp.
The deep dispair does not settle over me as often as it did a few years ago, but the depth of emotion still threatens to paralyze. How do I avoid that?
My favorite Beatitude is “Blessed are the pure of heart, for they shall see God.” Pure of heart/clean of heart–what does that imply? For me it calls for inner discernment which may then lead to inner disarmament of thoughts. Now I am reminded of Jesus’ words, “the thought life pollutes,” so I realize what I am thinking leads to my emotional reactions and I do have control over my thoughts. So maybe instead of dwelling on those memories, I have to ask, “Does that thought serve me? Are these thoughts/feelings ones Kirby would want me to harbor? Do they honor her?”
I know she would not want me sitting in sadness, dwelling in disappointment or despair or living in longing. She would want me to see the face of God in others, in the beauty of the world around me and feel the excitement of living!
I think anniversaries and certain “triggers” will always be challenging. So I pray to discern and disarm the thoughts, memories, feelings, and embrace life as it is, with all its blessings.
If you’re a friend of Kirby’s, please feel free to share any special memories or thoughts in the comments. If you’ve lost someone before, let us know how you manage to move forward and how you handle these tough days.